Humor


SPREAD THE STUPIDITY:

  • Only in America…..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America…..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America…..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Only in America…..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
  • Only in America…..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER?

  • Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  • Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  • Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey .

  1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
  2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
  3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
  4. Watch your guests ‘ faces…

Your NEW Turkey Recipe Example

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,

ay your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

KEEP READING!!!!!

______________________________________
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0
is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support

Bubblicious Beach Coommercial

Check out the new Interstate Sign that will be put up at exit places that have fuel available.

New Interstate Fuel Sign

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

  1. COWS
  2. THE CONSTITUTION
  3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and, they can track her calves to their stalls, but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country? Maybe we should give them all a cow!

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re really not using it anymore.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians – it simply creates a hostile work environment.


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